OK, I’ll admit it, the headline to this article is total bait for your clicks, but if you’re reading this then you fell for it… haha! I mean, sorry… (lol).
But now you’re here - firstly, welcome - you should know that this headlining question - the likes of which has probably never been asked anywhere on the internet - isn’t in fact rhetorical.
Yes, there is in fact a common theme between them… plus, we could have thrown Playboy and Michael Jackson into what is fast becoming a confusing mental image.
If you have had a crack at answering that question, then chances are you’d probably need to wait until after the watershed to reveal it, but the correct response is they’ve all had a hand, face and body in, erm, ‘splashing out’ on being involved in some of the more curious motorcycling endorsements over the years.
Confused? Read on and we’ll pray tell…
Endorsing the ‘content creators’ of America
Only Fans - American Racing Moto2
Did you know, OnlyFans is a subscription based platform for content creators to demonstrate their, umm, assets in return for investment? Of course you did, but did you know you can also do this with your clothes on…? No, really…
Far be it for us to deviate from OnlyFans’ official PG-safe mission statement by describing it as a platform for showcase their (under)wares, but whatever you reason you may use for logging on, paying up and getting off… sorry, getting inspiration… it is a hugely successful online empire, so kudos to Moto2 team American Racing for cashing in ahead of this year’s 2023 GP World Championship.
That said, it might give a new meaning to the term ‘spraying the champagne’... our Rory Skinner needs to watch out, you don’t want to get that in your eye.
Paris Hilton laps up attention in MotoGP
Blusens by Paris Hilton Racing - Paris Hilton
We’re not entirely sure how world renowned socialite and pouter Paris Hilton came to endorse a 125GP racing team for a brief period in 2011 but - surprisingly - as you can see here, she did. Less surprisingly, however, things didn’t go terribly well.
Marking the best (worst) pop culture-motorsport crossover since Team Atomic Kitten entered the 2002 British Touring Car Championship, the Blusens team (aka. BQR, aka. Avintia Racing) somehow reached an agreement to become the ‘SuperMartxe VIP by Paris Hilton Racing’ team for the 2011 125GP season.
As part of the deal, Paris - who was reportedly ‘so excited’ by the prospect she became a part-owner of the team - was obligated to appear at five events over the course of the year.
Surprisingly, given her fame had largely been built around a prolific ability to RSVP in person to events where paparazzi happened to be lurking, Paris didn’t keep to her obligations (leading to legal action), turning up just once to lap up the fanfare on the grid at the Catalunya MotoGP while draped over a confused teenager likely panicking at the prospect of starting a race with an erection.
Incidentally, that teenager happened to be a then 16-year old Maverick Vinales, whose failure to hit the growth spurt stage of puberty by the time of the official team launch left him making awkward eye-contact with Paris’ two bouncers instead. Ahem.
He might not have enjoyed One Night in Paris, but we’re fairly certain he enjoyed One Night in Bangkok after the event… fnar fnar
“Pull up to my bumper, IT’S FUN!”
Grace Jones et al. - Honda Scooters
A true icon of fashion, music, film and gay, Grace Jones is perhaps the only woman in the world that is as prominent in fantasies as she is in nightmares. After all, you do meet the nicest people on a Honda…
We’re not sure whether her delightfully terrifying association for Honda scooters came before or after the company dreamed up a model that looks suspiciously like her, but suffice to say at least one of these models has aged better than the other…
This advert came during a time when Honda’s ad department was working down a celebrity list titled ‘awkwardly alternative’ with Lou Reed, Miles Davis, Devo and Adam Ant all getting the chance to unconvincingly lend their weathered faces to some scoot’ spots.
If you haven’t seen this advert starring Grace Jones chomping down on Adam Ant’s ear while shouting ‘FUN!’ into it, then suffice to say it has all the camp terror of Blair Witch meets Ru Paul’s Drag Race.
For the record, as a gay man writing this piece, this advert ticks every single box - plus others I wasn’t even aware I had - when watching it…
All thriller, no filler
Michael Jackson - Suzuki Love
His legacy notwithstanding, there were few stars of the 20th Century as valuable as Michael Jackson, though given his infamous ‘follicle combustion’ incident while filming an ad for Pepsi, perhaps these very tame, barely worth it ads for Suzuki seemed a pleasantly safer bet.
There is a lot in these adverts to decipher. For one, the Suzuki Love is the best/worst name for anything on two wheels, secondly we’re fairly certain this happy blonde lady has never ridden a scooter before and thirdly, ‘Love Is My Message’ as a tagline sounds like part of a text message got cut off.
Overall he features in about three seconds of these Japanese TV ads, so we assume he made around $1 billion for each.
A sexy, buxom beauty showing a lot of chest… and a Playboy bunny
Playboy - Randy de Puniet
MotoGP is not short of pin-up beauties with their chests out roaming the paddock… and that’s just the riders.
Indeed, LCR Honda’s move to bring Playboy on board as a sponsor draped suggestively over its fairing was a masterstroke in crossover advertising in that it made the sport look sexy and photo shoots, shall we say, engaging.
Though frankly, if your rider is named ‘Randy’ then name me a more fitting backer?
Un-Belieber-ble
Justin Bieber - Vespa
“Is it too late now to say sowwwweeee…?”
Yes, but keep saying it anyway.
It's got go-faster flames on it for f*** sake...
Vin Diesel stars in the latest Ponderous & Amicable film
Vin Diesel - Yadea
Get ready for some Fast(ish) and Furious(ish) suggestive mayhem and ailment as Vin Diesel croons his way through a little ditty, makes eyes with charming woman, pinches her companion’s flash drive and makes his exit via the window to find his Yadea G5 waiting as his getaway vehicle.
We’re not entirely convinced by the chase scene, which looks slow even with the budget trickery and we’re fairly certain if this was rated age-15 or higher he’d have been squashed by one of the Escalades on his tail pretty sharpish.
Then again, it’s probably a close-run thing as to which runs out of juice first between them…
Take it for what it is, which is a film star getting the pearly whites out in an anti-role to shift an against-type machine.
We’re sure it works for some, but if this turns up in Fast & Furious 583 - or whatever number of the franchise that won’t die they’re up to - then we’ll be impressed.
A lemon squeezer and a lemon that needs crushing
Philippe Starck - Aprilia
It’s not often Aprilia gets it wrong with its motorcycles. And if you have an eye for design, there isn't much Philippe Starck gets wrong either... after all, who thought a lemon squeezer could be sexy?!
It's quite a jump to go from crafting furniture, kitchenware and, erm, loos to motorcycles so perhaps it's not surprising to find that when Aprilia gave Philippe Starck lemons he designed... a lemon.
In some ways, the Aprilia Moto 6.5 is avant-garde and chic if you’re that was in inclined, two words not necessarily high on the list of wants from bikers, and who are we to judge what's hot on the runways of Paris... but this is Manchester, it's damp, we’re on pot-hole ridden road and we’d like people to stop throwing shade at us…
