Apparently, size is everything. I don’t completely buy into this myth because if it was the case, then being obscenely fat would be cool – and it quite obviously isn’t. But in terms of machinery, it’s hard to refute that really big shit is difficult to ignore. Oil tankers, 747s, Humvees, aircraft carriers – the bigger the better. What’s that in my rear view mirror? A Challenger tank, you say? I’ll pull over. And it’s the same with motorbikes.
My former-longterm R1200 GS Adventure is the size of a Mini and I can drive directly at London buses when filtering through traffic to make them stop so I can make a gap. People notice the big Beemer, it casts a gigantic footprint in every way, and sometimes I even venture off-road on it. If you manhandle it properly and don’t get overly ambitious, it’s amazing what you can get up to on the giant overlander.
But – and here’s the rub – you could be getting up to so much more on a 450X, BMW’s lightweight enduro tool. Dave Knight didn’t like it much but for normal people like us it’s punchy, usable and eminently capable in mud. Wouldn’t be much bloody use at commuting up to the city every day though, would it? Which opens the case for the F800 GS, BMW’s midrange model which packs serious capability on-road and surprising amounts off it, too. Three bikes from one manufacturer at opposing corners of the dual-purpose graph.
You’d be forgiven for thinking there’s simply no need for a road-registered dirtbike in the South of England anymore. For while it’s true that the evil Ramblers Association have had their way of closure with some trails, and that West Sussex is now largely shut to vehicular traffic, venture over to Surrey and Hampshire and there’s still plenty of rat-runs and muddy climbs disappearing off into the woods and vales.
Our guides for the day were venerable photographer Oli Tennent (born 1963) and Alistair Walker (1971), who’s director of BMW dealership Bahnstormer just outside of Alton. Selected especially for the ride due to his fearful bad-temper and unique ability to take everything far too seriously was Richard Hallet (begat 1960), the oldest goat on the test but easily the fittest given his position of editor of the website RoadcyclingUK.com. And then there was me, born 1970 and getting crinklier and grumpier by the minute.
We meet at Oli’s house for 10am and the grumbling begins almost immediately. “I saw two people on extremely expensive push-bikes crash at the weekend,” says Richard. “They’d spent £4,000 on carbon-fibre bikes, went hacking into a corner with no control and piled straight into a kerb. Damn born-again cyclists are everywhere.” I suggest that motorcycling isn’t so much different and there’s much nodding of heads and mumbles of affirmation. Suitably intoxicated by our own wisdom, we head off into the Shires.
It’s amazing how quickly you can be up to your axles in muck when you know where to look. With Alistair and Oli in the lead on their gazelle-like 450s, we’re facing our first proper obstacle: a mucky, boggy tractor trench with a vertical climb-out. I hate watching other people tackle things first so launch the Adventure at the trench with typical gusto.
With Continental TKC80s fitted to both the 1200 and 800 it’s amazing the grip you can find, but I’m a little surprised to find the front wheel above my head on the climb out and have to bail off the back. And we’re not even five minutes into the ride. Richard on the 800 makes it up with assistance from others while the 450s just squirt up as though nothing was there. Well, one 450 does. “I cannot get any dirt on my camera,” says Oli, who skips around the side of the muck.
The trails around north-east Hampshire are tight, surprisingly steep in places and a mix of sand, mud, rock and stone. So pretty much everything, then. I discover that keeping the 1200 in check is all about weight-management and a positive mental attitude. When you’ve got it, you’re on it. When you don’t, you’re off – fast. And knowing you can’t crash for fear of a big bill from BMW just makes it all the worse.
On one steep, sandy incline, where the 450X scampers up and the 800 only takes a couple of attempts, three times I step off the side. For absolutely no reason at all. The Adventure’s crash protection keeps it safe from harm, but my confidence evaporates and as it does, so does my ability to ride the big Beemer off-road. Within 30 minutes, I’m crushed and resort to faffing around like a baby on a Pedalo. “Like a girl trying to steer the Titanic,” was how Oli described it afterwards.
Our trio of BMWs definitely cut a certain dash on the trail. We meet a group of five riders coming the other way and they have no choice but to get out of our way. “Holy shit, it’s the entire Third Reich!” hollers one as we breeze past them, scattering their Japanese hardware in all directions. What’s plainly obvious is that the 800 is striking an ideal ground between the girth of the 1200 and the nimbleness of the 450; indeed, it may well be all things to all people.
Richard Hallett discusses the merits of unsuitable machinery off-road
“Let’s face it; nobody buys a twin for green-laning and, watching Cantlie wrestling his ludicrous whale of a 1200 around, it became obvious why not. At every turn, some obstacle would get in his way and, going by his steadily worsening sense of humour, further spoil his day. The fact that the 1200 made it all the way is beside the point unless the person making it is some kind of masochist. Which is possible.
Contrast his fortunes with those of Oli and Alistair, both mounted on 450 singles and both still fresh at the end of a hard day. Weight, not power, is the enemy off road and the 1200 has plenty of it. My 800GS, on the other hand, is no heavier than the original 650 Africa Twin, better suspended and about twice as powerful. It’s a hoot.
I would have enjoyed it even more had Cantlie not warned me not to drop it on pain of a substantial bill. Big bikes need a firm hand and real commitment to work on the dirt, not the tentative, cautious approach of a rider worried about his bodywork. Naturally, I soon forgot his instructions and managed to submerge myself in a deep, mud-filled trench that the 800 hauled itself out of without bother.
It’s this sort of eventuality that deters most big trailie owners from venturing away from civilization. These bikes are expensive and off-roading is potentially disastrous, more so if the rider’s skills are limited and especially so if the bike is as big and unwieldy as a 1200. If it has to be a twin, make it a mid-sized one. A seriously capable tool.”
“A real dirt bike,” says Richard in between mouthfuls of bacon sarnie as we stop for lunch at Loomies café just off the A272. “A big one, yes, at 185kg with a seat height to match, but it has the attributes of a motorcycle designed for off-road riding: good weight distribution, more than adequate suspension and a cracking motor.” Richard was less keen on the ABS system off-road, grabbing huge handfuls of front brake and continuing in a straight and true fashion for the nearest tree.
Our route takes us from Hindhead to Haslemere, Alton towards Droxford, surprisingly tricky off-road sections interspersed with road liaisons. Through deep ruts the 450s zip past the bigger bikes like they’re stranded buffalo, the X’s easy torque (in 40bhp mode) and excellent traction meaning Oli and Alistair can stand lightly on the pegs and hop like small frogs from pillar to pile.
It’s not surprising – one 450X weighs less than half the Adventure fuelled up and ready to go – but I don’t half wish I was on one of the smaller bikes when the going gets tough. On the road, well. I can barrel along at 90mph in serene comfort while the 450s are huddled down at a pathetic 60mph, but off-road the shoe is quite obviously on the other foot. By lunchtime I had quite seriously and spectacularly managed to lose my sense of humour. “First person to have a sense of humour failure must be teased remorselessly,” I’d announced before the off. Little did I realise that it would be me.
I was stunned at the variety of the trails in Hampshire and Surrey. Not boring South Downs chalk-road rubbish, but real nadgery, technical trails with plenty to offer any rider regardless of experience. And the three sizes of bikes proved a fascinating experiment. On the drier stuff, the 1200 can go anywhere the 450 goes, just with a more considered hand on the throttle. If you plan ahead and ride firmly but smoothly, you will go everywhere the smaller bikes go. It’s only when you lose your rhythm and the going gets far more technical that it goes wrong. And once it starts going wrong, it’s very difficult to stop it.
For the riding we did that day, it’s hard not to be extremely impressed with the F800GS. Excellent on the road and off, it was given that the 450s would be like mountain goats in the dirt; they’re impossibly nimble and easy to control in muck or fast stuff. In 40bhp mode, they’re pretty much perfect for the average trail-rider. But what wasn’t expected was that the 800 was pretty much right behind. You could own this bike, use it to commute to work, go on your summer holidays, and get mucky at the weekend if you fancied it. That is surely the epitome of a dual-purpose bike.
Specifications
BMW 450 X
Price £5,595 Top speed 90mph
Engine 449.5cc, 4-valve, liquid-cooled single
Bore & stroke 98mm x 59.6mm Compression ratio 12:1
Power 41bhp at 7,000rpm Torque 32 lb/ft at 6,500rpm
Front suspension 45mm Marzocchi inverted forks, preload and compression adjustment
Rear suspension Öhlins monoshock, preload, compression and rebound adjustment
Front brakes Twin-piston caliper, 260mm disc
Rear brake Single-piston caliper, 220mm disc
Dry weight 111kg (245lbs) Seat height 955mm Fuel capacity 8 litres
Colour options White/Blue
Off-road rating 4/5
BMW F800 GS
Price £7,195 Top speed 125mph
Engine 798cc,8-valve, liquid-cooled parallel twin
Bore & stroke 82mm x 75.6mm Compression ratio 12:1
Power 85bhp at 7,500rpm Torque 61 lb/ft at 5,750rpm
Front suspension 45mm inverted forks, no adjustment
Rear suspension Monoshock, preload and rebound adjustment
Front brakes Twin-piston calipers, 300mm discs
Rear brake Twin-piston caliper, 265mm disc
Dry weight 185kg (408lbs) Seat height 880mm Fuel capacity 16 litres
Colour options Orange/Black, White/Black
Off-road rating 5/5
BMW R1200 GS AD
Price £10,375 Top speed 140mph
Engine 1170cc, 8-valve, air/oil-cooled flat-twin
Bore & stroke 101mm x 73mm Compression ratio 12:1
Power 105bhp at 7,500rpm Torque 85lb/ft at 5,750rpm
Front suspension Telelever, central shock absorber, preload, ESA damping adjustment
Rear suspension Paralever, central shock absorber, preload, ESA rebound adjustment
Front brakes Twin-piston calipers, 305mm discs
Rear brake Twin-piston caliper, 265mm disc
Dry weight 223kg (491lbs) Seat height 910/890mm Fuel capacity 33 litres
Colour options Red/Black, Silver/Black
Off-road rating 3/5
