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Urry sidles up to me with a smug look on his face. "There's a prince in my group," he boasts. There's not a lot you can say to that. Especially when all you have to trump him with is a knight of the realm.
Many adrenalin chasing bikers, in need of a winter top-up of thrills, put their bikes into a van and head to southern Spain for a track day or weekend. A fine idea, but everybody does that and at TWO we like to spear out in a different direction to the crowd. Which is why we have ridden across frozen northern France to St Moritz, Switzerland, to ride the famous Cresta Run.
Many people think the Cresta Run is a bobsleigh track, but it's actually a course for tobogganing. If you are over 40 you may remember Blue Peter's John Noakes busting his arm on the Cresta Run. You lie on your tummy on a simple toboggan - which ironically looks like a small stretcher - and set off down a very steep ice track with several banked corners. It's possible to reach speeds of over 60mph and also possible to break every bone in your body.
The whole show is run by the St Moritz Tobogganing Club which, although based in Switzerland, is a British club, founded in 1885. The riding season starts mid-December and runs through to the end of February with races on the weekends and Wednesdays. In between there are practice days on which non-members can come along and test their nerves. The best plan is to arrive on the Sunday, watch some racing, and either rush straight home in a panic or pitch up at sparrow fart on Monday and have a go yourself.
I suggested to Urry that we make an early start on Saturday to make St Moritz before dark. If you ride up alpine passes at night when the temperature is below zero you will fall off. Frequently.
Not that it's warm at Calais at 9am. Machine choice will be critical. First, we have Aprilia's new Tuono 1000R. Like the original Tuono, the 1000R is the real deal: a proper naked superbike. No soft cams, re-worked management or other neutering - just remove the RSV-R's bodywork and add a few styling tweaks. The 1000R shares the RSV-R's new 997cc V-twin motor that is both more powerful (up 8bhp to 133bhp) and smoother than the old one.
There's a new nose cowling and a small screen that protects the instruments but doesn't look as though it's going to do much to shield the rider from a blast of cold air fresh from Russia. This and high-mounted footpegs indicate the Tuono is the ideal bike on which young Urry can start our 750-mile blat to St Moritz. This leaves a choice of two for Goodwin and our willing snapper.
First, Honda's XL1000V Varadero. It's as ugly as sin but almost perfect for this job. A big fuel tank means less time freezing fingers filling it up and a top box means no backache from my rucksack. Excellent. But on the downside, optional heated grips aren't fitted and there's no fuel gauge. The Varadero is a touring bike with long legs and a healthy range, so to not fit one is a nonsense. Our third bike, the Yamaha TDM 900, is fitted with a fuel gauge and it's more all-rounder than mile cruncher, so feel ashamed Honda.
It's an odd bike, the TDM. Europeans love 'em, but it's never really caught on over here. That said, the people you meet who own them are almost evangelical about Yamaha's hard to define and long-lifed parallel twin. It's the sort of bike that people replace with the latest versions as they're launched. Just like the Honda VFR. Anyway. You will not usually find me on an autoroute, but today we can't afford to hang around so it'll be straight lines until we get to the mountains. Our route is dead simple: from Calais to Reims on the A26 then hang left onto the A4 and head east through Metz to Strasbourg, south to Basel then onto Zurich and Chur, where we will head skywards up to St Moritz and beer and bed.
Urry is so predictable. Two minutes into the journey and all I can see in the Honda's mirrors is a pair of headlamps pointing skyward as he lifts the Tuono's front wheel. Even I could wheelie the Aprilia.Certainly not, however, the Varadero. Even on the autoroute you know you're riding a hefty machine. It's going to be a challenge in the mountains. It's fitted with ABS but that won't help much on ice and snow. With only 95bhp, performance is nothing like as dramatic as the Aprilia's, but for this journey that's not a problem because the motor is smooth and relaxing, and that's what's really needed.
After Metz I swap onto the Tuono. For two and a half hours I've been following Urry crouching over the Aprilia's bars at between 95-120mph so assumed it's not too tiring at speed. After only a few miles it's obvious that either Urry is superhuman (unlikely) or the few inches in height he has over me make a huge difference. At anything over 80mph I know what it feels like to be Dolly Parton's bra. The wind smacks me full in the face and upper chest. If I stay on this bike all of my shirts will be too short in the sleeves.
I have to do the unthinkable and flag Urry down for a bike swap after only 20 minutes in the seat. When we're in the mountains I'll ask for it back. It'll be fun up there: a top spec chassis, stonking brakes and an engine that's positively violent in its delivery. Meanwhile, however, I relax into the Yamaha. I can see why these things are popular. The TDM is smooth, feels light after the Honda and is the exact opposite of the Tuono in character. It's so friendly to ride that I half expect it to ask me if I'd like a cup of tea at the next services. We stop regularly at services because the Tuono needs to stop as often for fuel on a long journey as girls do for a pee.
Just as it's getting too dark for riding we arrive in St Moritz, parking the bikes down the road from our hotel because the last 500 metres is packed snow and ice. I'm not going to tell him, but I have to admire Urry's stamina. Both the Honda and Yamaha were a breeze for the whole distance but the Tuono must have been hard going. We'll see how hard he really is on the Cresta Run.
Sunday is race day at the Cresta. I rode the Run about six years ago and know that watching the experts is so frightening that it sets the fear off early and you can't sleep on Sunday night. However, I'd like Urry to get a bit tweaked-up so we watch a few riders before jumping on the bikes for a bit of alpine motorcycling.
Do you remember snow? I do vaguely. We had the odd flutter of the stuff in Surrey a while back, but barely more white than a good dose of dandruff or a draught in Kate Moss's living room can muster. Here the scenery is stunning. We ride down to the Julierpass, about five miles north of St Moritz in the direction of Chur. Snowploughs have been out, but they leave a thin trail of slush in the middle of the road just where one traditionally likes to ride a motorbike. Worse, snow falls off the 10-foot deep drifts on the side of the roads and is moved around by cars. You have to ride what you can see as around every corner lurks a potential off.
Now we're on fantastic roads, albeit with unpredictable surfaces, I don't hesitate to relieve Urry of the Tuono. Within yards it's obvious we have the right bike and the right roads, but in the wrong season. In summer the Aprilia would be off the scale on all these hairpins and short straights, but today the engine's low-down snatchings and angry power delivery are a nightmare. The tyres, while no doubt superb when hot'n'sticky, have absolutely no grip on this freezing Tarmac. Pull away carefully from the slush in the gutter, feel the rubber hit road and open the throttle wider and still you get yards of wheel spin. The Tuono also has a terrible steering lock so three point turns - with extra dropping potential - replace easy U-turns.
There's almost a feeling of guilt that you're asking a bike that looks this good, has such a nice finish in and is so closely related to its fully-clothed superbike brother, to perform in these conditions. A Triumph Speed Triple, while also out of season up here, would be so much easier to ride because it has softer suspension and a smoother engine. You might be able to dial in more traction by adjusting the Aprilia's settings but I doubt by enough to really help.
The Varadero feels incredibly top-heavy. Simply touring around the mountains on the XL1000V is relaxing; manoeuvering it during a photo shoot is not. Every time we turn around for another run past the camera I'm convinced I'm going to drop it, although the huge steering lock is a blessing after the restraint of the Tuono. Surprisingly, though, it's the friendly TDM 900 that Goodwin puts onto its side. So easy. Front wheel on a patch of ice and whoaaahhh!
I remember reading years ago about a bloke who was trapped underneath his Triumph Bonneville for three days having fallen off it. Being on an old Bonnie for three days would be bad enough, but under one considerably more unpleasant. Anyway, since then I've always been a jumper. As soon as I feel a bike going I'm off it like Zebedee. Only the tip of the clutch lever is broken so it's no disaster. You wouldn't want a TDM 900 as a lifetime companion, but it's so easy to ride and capable that it makes a fantastic work-a-day bike and a great back-up for something rather more exotic in the garage.
It's 7am and Urry is inside the Cresta clubhouse having his 'death talk' from StMTC secretary Johnnie Moss. The Cresta Run is a sanctuary for those who despise the cotton wool and PC society. There's a form you fill in saying that if you fall on your arse and break it then it's your fault, but there's no risk assessment or any of that crap. The Cresta Run is for grown men. But not for grown women. Women were banned from riding the Run in 1925, though word is that girls sometimes dress up as blokes and have a go.
The St Moritz Tobogganing Club is also the last outpost of the British empire. Here tweeds and plus fours are the norm. It's dead posh, but nutters are nutters and even if some of the people here own a county, they're as mad as the next adrenalin junkie.
You change in a room that smells of a public school changing room. Except for the farts. There's a sign to say that out of respect for Victoria - the lady who hands out the spiked riding boots - farting is not allowed. Urry and I, who are both frightened by the authoritarian Moss, decide it's best not to fart anywhere.
The Cresta Run is separated into two sections. Very experienced riders start from 'Top' and beginners and the less experienced from further down the run at 'Junction', opposite the clubhouse. Urry, having had his death talk and seen the montage of X-rays that looks like advertising material for a company making surgical screws and brackets, is receiving his tuition on how to ride the Cresta. Because I've done this before I can just get on a 50kg toboggan and hurtle off.
The key to a good run is a corner called Shuttlecock. Essentially a long, banked, hairpin, if you go in too quickly or too early you fly off the top. If you're lucky you land in soft snow and straw; worse case scenario is being clouted by your toboggan. Fallers at Shuttlecock are entitled to wear a Shuttlecock Club tie.
I have raced motorbikes, been in a Formula One car and driven a jet dragster at 260mph but nothing has both scared me or provided as big a buzz as riding the Cresta.
Waiting for your turn the butterflies build up. From the control tower your name is called and you have to raise your arm to acknowledge you've heard. If you don't you get a bollocking over the PA that adds yet another frightening angle to the experience.
And then you're off. After you've gone about 10 metres you dig the spikes on the ends of your boots into the ice. These twin-trailing shoes are your only means of reducing your chances of a crash at Shuttlecock. You 'rake' - it's not called braking - until you get safely around Shuttlecock and then lift your feet off the ice to start the run down to the finish in the village of Celerina. You have virtually no control as you swish down the run, shooting up banked corners and biffing off the sides. At one point all you can see ahead is a stone bridge, after which the run seems to disappear. Suddenly you're in a banked turn and hurtling off down an even steeper section. Then, as quickly as the drama started, you're at the finish.
I have earned my Shuttlecock tie and Urry has lopped years off his life. The next day he too earns his tie. Much to my horror he beats my 66sec best by five seconds, but we're both still miles off the 48-second run needed before you're allowed to start from 'Top'.
Some diehard members stay in St Moritz for a full season. It's a lifestyle we have temporarily enjoyed. Get up early, ride the Cresta Run and then on the bikes for a tour around the mountains. Then a cheese fondue and a session in the bar swapping Cresta tales.
Unfortunately, we have to return to reality and a 750-mile ride home. Hopefully once again Urry will take the Aprilia. It's a stonking bike but here at the wrong time of year. That said, even on grippy roads the Tuono will be a bit too much for some. It needs to be ridden hard to enjoy; everything about it is focused. The engine is snatchy low-down and its brakes strong but almost too sharp - but it also offers real superbike performance, no doubt about it.
The Honda Varadero gobbled up the miles to Switzerland, it handles well and is comfortable. But it is extremely ugly and more than a bit boring. If I had one I'd be permanently cursing that I hadn't saved up an extra £1500 and bought a BMW R1200 GS.
There is no reason to hate the Varadero, but also no reason to love it. For some, that's reason enough to own it - not me though.
The Yamaha TDM900 is not a loveable thing either. For Urry it's dead boring. Sure, it's not exciting, but it's barely less comfortable than the Varadero, light and easy to manage, has generous steering lock and is as happy to take you to work as it is to go touring. And at £5999 it's much better value than the £7349 Honda.
The conclusion is simple. Get your kicks in winter at the Cresta Run having ridden there on the TDM900. And wheel out the Aprilia Tuono 1000R in the summer for a ride almost as thrilling as the Cresta. You don't, unfortunately, get a tie for falling off it, so you won't look as smart as Urry and I.
Second Opinion
Aprilia Tuono R
When the original Tuono came out I loved it for what it was: a raw, aggressive naked bike with no compromises. The latest Tuono is all that, but with even more aggression thrown in - which makes it a hard bike to live with. The complete and utter lack of steering lock is really annoying, the clutch is a bit on the stiff side and the poor tank range an annoyance, but in a lot of ways I'm willing to forgive it simply because it's such a laugh to ride - as long as you are in the mood. As well as the chassis being brutal, the engine is as well. The V-twin has bags of power but its lightswitch delivery is very on/off. It's hard to be gentle with the Tuono, and I can't imagine how you could ever take a pillion and ride smoothly. Accelerate in first and it will wheelie, and it doesn't take much to repeat this in second. Riding through town is a real effort, not helped by the lack of steering lock. On a dry, twisty road the Tuono is a raw, superb-handling bike that can easily cut it on track.
The Aprilia isn't a friendly bike like Triumph's Speed Triple, so if you are considering buying one bear this in mind. But, and this is a big 'but', it's a real buzz to ride and for the price comes with an impressive specification. Riders of current Tuonos will think it's a step forward; new owners may find it a tad too harsh.
Second Opinion
Yamaha TDM 900
In the past I have been really harsh on the TDM, or 'Tedium' as the likes of us have always referred to it. My problem with the Yamaha is that I ride bikes for fun and the love of being on two wheels. For me the Yamaha just sucks the fun out and makes riding a bore. Well, that was my opinion before this trip. Now the TDM makes perfect sense to me.
Yes, it isn't very inspiring, and yes, the parallel twin engine is a bit flat and doesn't really bring anything to the package, but for a long journey where you just want to get there the TDM is perfect. The seat is comfy, the screen does a decent job of keeping the worst of the weather off and it has practical touches such as the centrestand and fuel gauge. Even the mirrors work! Fancy that. For the kind of rider who wants a reliable bike to beat the jams and isn't a target for thieves, the TDM is just about perfect. Which is why it sells so well in Europe. Across the water they appreciate bikes for exactly the reasons above. All they want is hassle-free transport. In the UK we're much more image conscious, which is why the TDM doesn't out sell the GSX-Rs or R1s every year.
If you're a rider who wants a reliable piece of two-wheeled transport then I would recommend the TDM over a great many more bikes. Personally I'd still get a more exciting machine, but that's just me.
Second Opinion
Honda Varadero
The Varadero has a hard life, which is of its own making. The whole 'Adventure Sports' category is one tough pond full of some very big fish including the excellent BMW R1200 GS, Triumph Tiger and KTM Adventure to name but those. The problem with the Honda is that it has no unique selling point. The BMW is the class leader thanks to build quality, handling, chassis and extras, while the Tiger offers amazing value for money and the KTM appeals to younger riders who may want to take it off-road. The Honda is just 'acceptable' at everything it does. The 150-mile plus tank range is excellent and it's comfortable to ride, but for me the screen simply didn't provide enough protection and the lack of a fuel gauge on a big tourer is, frankly, pathetic. The handling isn't bad, a bit top heavy, but not really worse than other big trailies, and the ABS is a nice touch. But when you look at the price the Varadero just doesn't make sense. It's a perfectly good bike, but better machines don't cost much more and come with higher specifications.
The only reason I would buy the Varadero is for the build quality, which is excellent. Of these three bikes the Honda was the one that stood up to the rigours of a salt bath at the hands of the Swiss roads. If you want a big trailie then I reckon the Tiger or classic GS is a better buy.
Doing the Cresta Run
The run opens in December just before Christmas and closes at the end of the first week in March. Beginners should log onto the StMTC website (www.cresta-run.com) where they will find a link to the calendar and a booking form (only for beginners). Places get booked very early so you need to start planning a trip in the summer. As a beginner you will pay 450 Swiss francs, which includes tuition and all the kit you'll need as well as your first five runs on the Cresta. Once you've completed your first three runs as a beginner you become an SL member ('Supplementary List'). In future seasons you can arrive at the club, pay 450Sf for your first five rides and then 44sf for subsequent rides. Members have priority over SL members so you might need at least three days to complete your five rides - bearing in mind that some days are competition days on which SL members can't ride.
Who are everywhere right now. Nope, these Arctic Monkeys are our brave idiots who rode three unsuitable motorcycles to Switzerland. To do the Cresta Run. Eh?
Urry sidles up to me with a smug look on his face. "There's a prince in my group," he boasts. There's not a lot you can say to that. Especially when all you have to trump him with is a knight of the realm.
Many adrenalin chasing bikers, in need of a winter top-up of thrills, put their bikes into a van and head to southern Spain for a track day or weekend. A fine idea, but everybody does that and at TWO we like to spear out in a different direction to the crowd. Which is why we have ridden across frozen northern France to St Moritz, Switzerland, to ride the famous Cresta Run.
Many people think the Cresta Run is a bobsleigh track, but it's actually a course for tobogganing. If you are over 40 you may remember Blue Peter's John Noakes busting his arm on the Cresta Run. You lie on your tummy on a simple toboggan - which ironically looks like a small stretcher - and set off down a very steep ice track with several banked corners. It's possible to reach speeds of over 60mph and also possible to break every bone in your body.
The whole show is run by the St Moritz Tobogganing Club which, although based in Switzerland, is a British club, founded in 1885. The riding season starts mid-December and runs through to the end of February with races on the weekends and Wednesdays. In between there are practice days on which non-members can come along and test their nerves. The best plan is to arrive on the Sunday, watch some racing, and either rush straight home in a panic or pitch up at sparrow fart on Monday and have a go yourself.
I suggested to Urry that we make an early start on Saturday to make St Moritz before dark. If you ride up alpine passes at night when the temperature is below zero you will fall off. Frequently. Not that it's warm at Calais at 9am. Machine choice will be critical.
First, we have Aprilia's new Tuono 1000R. Like the original Tuono, the 1000R is the real deal: a proper naked superbike. No soft cams, re-worked management or other neutering - just remove the RSV-R's bodywork and add a few styling tweaks. The 1000R shares the RSV-R's new 997cc V-twin motor that is both more powerful (up 8bhp to 133bhp) and smoother than the old one.
There's a new nose cowling and a small screen that protects the instruments but doesn't look as though it's going to do much to shield the rider from a blast of cold air fresh from Russia. This and high-mounted footpegs indicate the Tuono is the ideal bike on which young Urry can start our 750-mile blat to St Moritz.
This leaves a choice of two for Goodwin and our willing snapper. First, Honda's XL1000V Varadero. It's as ugly as sin but almost perfect for this job. A big fuel tank means less time freezing fingers filling it up and a top box means no backache from my rucksack. Excellent. But on the downside, optional heated grips aren't fitted and there's no fuel gauge. The Varadero is a touring bike with long legs and a healthy range, so to not fit one is a nonsense. Our third bike, the Yamaha TDM 900, is fitted with a fuel gauge and it's more all-rounder than mile cruncher, so feel ashamed Honda.
It's an odd bike, the TDM. Europeans love 'em, but it's never really caught on over here. That said, the people you meet who own them are almost evangelical about Yamaha's hard to define and long-lifed parallel twin. It's the sort of bike that people replace with the latest versions as they're launched. Just like the Honda VFR.
Anyway. You will not usually find me on an autoroute, but today we can't afford to hang around so it'll be straight lines until we get to the mountains. Our route is dead simple: from Calais to Reims on the A26 then hang left onto the A4 and head east through Metz to Strasbourg, south to Basel then onto Zurich and Chur, where we will head skywards up to St Moritz and beer and bed.
Urry is so predictable. Two minutes into the journey and all I can see in the Honda's mirrors is a pair of headlamps pointing skyward as he lifts the Tuono's front wheel. Even I could wheelie the Aprilia.
Certainly not, however, the Varadero. Even on the autoroute you know you're riding a hefty machine. It's going to be a challenge in the mountains. It's fitted with ABS but that won't help much on ice and snow. With only 95bhp, performance is nothing like as dramatic as the Aprilia's, but for this journey that's not a problem because the motor is smooth and relaxing, and that's what's really needed.
After Metz I swap onto the Tuono. For two and a half hours I've been following Urry crouching over the Aprilia's bars at between 95-120mph so assumed it's not too tiring at speed. After only a few miles it's obvious that either Urry is superhuman (unlikely) or the few inches in height he has over me make a huge difference. At anything over 80mph I know what it feels like to be Dolly Parton's bra. The wind smacks me full in the face and upper chest. If I stay on this bike all of my shirts will be too short in the sleeves.
I have to do the unthinkable and flag Urry down for a bike swap after only 20 minutes in the seat. When we're in the mountains I'll ask for it back. It'll be fun up there: a top spec chassis, stonking brakes and an engine that's positively violent in its delivery. Meanwhile, however, I relax into the Yamaha. I can see why these things are popular. The TDM is smooth, feels light after the Honda and is the exact opposite of the Tuono in character. It's so friendly to ride that I half expect it to ask me if I'd like a cup of tea at the next services. We stop regularly at services because the Tuono needs to stop as often for fuel on a long journey as girls do for a pee.
Just as it's getting too dark for riding we arrive in St Moritz, parking the bikes down the road from our hotel because the last 500 metres is packed snow and ice. I'm not going to tell him, but I have to admire Urry's stamina. Both the Honda and Yamaha were a breeze for the whole distance but the Tuono must have been hard going. We'll see how hard he really is on the Cresta Run.
Sunday is race day at the Cresta. I rode the Run about six years ago and know that watching the experts is so frightening that it sets the fear off early and you can't sleep on Sunday night. However, I'd like Urry to get a bit tweaked-up so we watch a few riders before jumping on the bikes for a bit of alpine motorcycling.
Do you remember snow? I do vaguely. We had the odd flutter of the stuff in Surrey a while back, but barely more white than a good dose of dandruff or a draught in Kate Moss's living room can muster.
Here the scenery is stunning. We ride down to the Julierpass, about five miles north of St Moritz in the direction of Chur. Snowploughs have been out, but they leave a thin trail of slush in the middle of the road just where one traditionally likes to ride a motorbike. Worse, snow falls off the 10-foot deep drifts on the side of the roads and is moved around by cars. You have to ride what you can see as around every corner lurks a potential off.
Now we're on fantastic roads, albeit with unpredictable surfaces, I don't hesitate to relieve Urry of the Tuono. Within yards it's obvious we have the right bike and the right roads, but in the wrong season. In summer the Aprilia would be off the scale on all these hairpins and short straights, but today the engine's low-down snatchings and angry power delivery are a nightmare. The tyres, while no doubt superb when hot'n'sticky, have absolutely no grip on this freezing Tarmac. Pull away carefully from the slush in the gutter, feel the rubber hit road and open the throttle wider and still you get yards of wheel spin. The Tuono also has a terrible steering lock so three point turns - with extra dropping potential - replace easy U-turns.
There's almost a feeling of guilt that you're asking a bike that looks this good, has such a nice finish in and is so closely related to its fully-clothed superbike brother, to perform in these conditions. A Triumph Speed Triple, while also out of season up here, would be so much easier to ride because it has softer suspension and a smoother engine. You might be able to dial in more traction by adjusting the Aprilia's settings but I doubt by enough to really help.
The Varadero feels incredibly top-heavy. Simply touring around the mountains on the XL1000V is relaxing; manoeuvering it during a photo shoot is not. Every time we turn around for another run past the camera I'm convinced I'm going to drop it, although the huge steering lock is a blessing after the restraint of the Tuono. Surprisingly, though, it's the friendly TDM 900 that Goodwin puts onto its side. So easy. Front wheel on a patch of ice and whoaaahhh!
I remember reading years ago about a bloke who was trapped underneath his Triumph Bonneville for three days having fallen off it. Being on an old Bonnie for three days would be bad enough, but under one considerably more unpleasant. Anyway, since then I've always been a jumper. As soon as I feel a bike going I'm off it like Zebedee. Only the tip of the clutch lever is broken so it's no disaster. You wouldn't want a TDM 900 as a lifetime companion, but it's so easy to ride and capable that it makes a fantastic work-a-day bike and a great back-up for something rather more exotic in the garage.
It's 7am and Urry is inside the Cresta clubhouse having his 'death talk' from StMTC secretary Johnnie Moss. The Cresta Run is a sanctuary for those who despise the cotton wool and PC society. There's a form you fill in saying that if you fall on your arse and break it then it's your fault, but there's no risk assessment or any
of that crap. The Cresta Run is for grown men. But not for grown women. Women were banned from riding the Run in 1925, though word is that girls sometimes dress up as blokes and have a go.
The St Moritz Tobogganing Club is also the last outpost of the British empire. Here tweeds and plus fours are the norm. It's dead posh, but nutters are nutters and even if some of the people here own a county, they're as mad as the next adrenalin junkie.
You change in a room that smells of a public school changing room. Except for the farts. There's a sign to say that out of respect for Victoria - the lady who hands out the spiked riding boots -
farting is not allowed. Urry and I, who are both frightened by the authoritarian Moss, decide it's best not to fart anywhere.
The Cresta Run is separated into two sections. Very experienced riders start from 'Top' and beginners and the less experienced from further down the run at 'Junction', opposite the clubhouse. Urry, having had his death talk and seen the montage of X-rays that looks like advertising material for a company making surgical screws and brackets, is receiving his tuition on how to ride the Cresta. Because I've done this before I can just get on a 50kg toboggan and hurtle off.
The key to a good run is a corner called Shuttlecock. Essentially a long, banked, hairpin, if you go in too quickly or too early you fly off the top. If you're lucky you land in soft snow and straw; worse case scenario is being clouted by your toboggan. Fallers at Shuttlecock are entitled to wear a Shuttlecock Club tie.
I have raced motorbikes, been in a Formula One car and driven a jet dragster at 260mph but nothing has both scared me or provided as big a buzz as riding the Cresta.
Waiting for your turn the butterflies build up. From the control tower your name is called and you have to raise your arm to acknowledge you've heard. If you don't you get a bollocking over the PA that adds yet another frightening angle to the experience.
And then you're off. After you've gone about 10 metres you dig the spikes on the ends of your boots into the ice. These twin-trailing shoes are your only means of reducing your chances of a crash at Shuttlecock. You 'rake' - it's not called braking - until you get safely around Shuttlecock and then lift your feet off the ice to start the run down to the finish in the village of Celerina. You have virtually no control as you swish down the run, shooting up banked corners and biffing off the sides. At one point all you can see ahead is a stone bridge, after which the run seems to disappear. Suddenly you're in a banked turn and hurtling off down an even steeper section. Then, as quickly as the drama started, you're at the finish.
I have earned my Shuttlecock tie and Urry has lopped years off his life. The next day he too earns his tie. Much to my horror he beats my 66sec best by five seconds, but we're both still miles off the 48-second run needed before you're allowed to start from 'Top'.
Some diehard members stay in St Moritz for a full season. It's a lifestyle we have temporarily enjoyed. Get up early, ride the Cresta Run and then on the bikes for a tour around the mountains. Then a cheese fondue and a session in the bar swapping Cresta tales.
Unfortunately, we have to return to reality and a 750-mile ride home. Hopefully once again Urry will take the Aprilia. It's a stonking bike but here at the wrong time of year. That said, even on grippy roads the Tuono will be a bit too much for some. It needs to be ridden hard to enjoy; everything about it is focused. The engine is snatchy low-down and its brakes strong but almost too sharp - but it also offers real superbike performance, no doubt about it.
The Honda Varadero gobbled up the miles to Switzerland, it handles well and is comfortable. But it is extremely ugly and more than a bit boring. If I had one I'd be permanently cursing that I hadn't saved up an extra £1500 and bought a BMW R1200 GS. There is no reason to hate the Varadero, but also no reason to love it. For some, that's reason enough to own it - not me though.
The Yamaha TDM900 is not a loveable thing either. For Urry it's dead boring. Sure, it's not exciting, but it's barely less comfortable than the Varadero, light and easy to manage, has generous steering lock and is as happy to take you to work as it is to go touring. And at £5999 it's much better value than the £7349 Honda.
The conclusion is simple. Get your kicks in winter at the Cresta Run having ridden there on the TDM900. And wheel out the Aprilia Tuono 1000R in the summer for a ride almost as thrilling as the Cresta. You don't, unfortunately, get a tie for falling off it, so you won't look as smart as Urry and I.
Doing the Cresta Run
The run opens in December just before Christmas and closes at the end of the first week in March. Beginners should log onto the StMTC website (www.cresta-run.com) where they will find a link to the calendar and a booking form (only for beginners). Places get booked very early so you need to start planning a trip in the summer. As a beginner you will pay 450 Swiss francs, which includes tuition and all the kit you'll need as well as your first five runs on the Cresta. Once you've completed your first three runs as a beginner you become an SL member ('Supplementary List').
In future seasons you can arrive at the club, pay 450Sf for your first five rides and then 44sf for subsequent rides. Members have priority over SL members so you might need at least three days to complete your five rides - bearing in mind that some days are competition days on which SL members can't ride.
Second Opinion
Aprilia Tuono R
WHEN THE ORIGINAL Tuono came out I loved it for what it was: a raw, aggressive naked bike with no compromises. The latest Tuono is all that, but with even more aggression thrown in - which makes it a hard bike to live with.
The complete and utter lack of steering lock is really annoying, the clutch is a bit on the stiff side and the poor tank range an annoyance, but in a lot of ways I'm willing to forgive it simply because it's such a laugh to ride - as long as you are in the mood. As well as the chassis being brutal, the engine is as well. The V-twin has bags of power but its lightswitch delivery is very on/off. It's hard to be gentle with the Tuono, and I can't imagine how you could ever take a pillion and ride smoothly. Accelerate in first and it will wheelie, and it doesn't take much to repeat this in second. Riding through town is a real effort, not helped by the lack of steering lock. On a dry, twisty road the Tuono is a raw, superb-handling bike that can easily cut it on track.
The Aprilia isn't a friendly bike like Triumph's Speed Triple, so if you are considering buying one bear this in mind. But, and this is a big 'but', it's a real buzz to ride and for the price comes with an impressive specification. Riders of current Tuonos will think it's a step forward; new owners may find it a tad too harsh.
Second Opinion
Yamaha TDM 900
IN THE PAST I have been really harsh on the TDM, or 'Tedium' as the likes of us have always referred to it. My problem with the Yamaha is that I ride bikes for fun and the love of being on two wheels. For me the Yamaha just sucks the fun out and makes riding a bore. Well, that was my opinion before this trip. Now the TDM makes perfect sense to me.
Yes, it isn't very inspiring, and yes, the parallel twin engine is a bit flat and doesn't really bring anything to the package, but for a long journey where you just want to get there the TDM is perfect. The seat is comfy, the screen does a decent job of keeping the worst of the weather off and it has practical touches such as the centrestand and fuel gauge. Even the mirrors work! Fancy that. For the kind of rider who wants a reliable bike to beat the jams and isn't a target for thieves, the TDM is just about perfect. Which is why it sells so well in Europe. Across the water they appreciate bikes for exactly the reasons above. All they want is hassle-free transport. In the UK we're much more image conscious, which is why the TDM doesn't out sell the GSX-Rs or R1s every year.
If you're a rider who wants a reliable piece of two-wheeled transport then I would recommend the TDM over a great many more bikes. Personally I'd still get a more exciting machine, but that's just me.
Second Opinion
Honda Varadero
THE VARADERO HAS a hard life, which is of its own making. The whole 'Adventure Sports' category is one tough pond full of some very big fish including the excellent BMW R1200 GS, Triumph Tiger and KTM Adventure to name but those. The problem with the Honda is that it has no unique selling point. The BMW is the class leader thanks to build quality, handling, chassis and extras, while the Tiger offers amazing value for money and the KTM appeals to younger riders who may want to take it off-road. The Honda is just 'acceptable' at everything it does. The 150-mile plus tank range is excellent and it's comfortable to ride, but for me the screen simply didn't provide enough protection and the lack of a fuel gauge on a big tourer is, frankly, pathetic.
The handling isn't bad, a bit top heavy, but not really worse than other big trailies, and the ABS is a nice touch. But when you look at the price the Varadero just doesn't make sense. It's a perfectly good bike, but better machines don't cost much more and come with higher specifications.
The only reason I would buy the Varadero is for the build quality, which is excellent. Of these three bikes the Honda was the one that stood up to the rigours of a salt bath at the hands of the Swiss roads. If you want a big trailie then I reckon the Tiger or classic GS is a better buy.
