These are two of the most pointless motorcycles ever. I mean come on, who really wants to do 200mph?
Nice idea it may be but it's all so arbitrary. After all, we live in a country where 70mph is the legal limit anywhere and speeding is fast becoming a hanging offence. Given these circumstances and the fact our roads are that congested even 70mph is ambitious half the time, bikes like this can exist solely for sad lads who need to compensate for their inadequacy between the sheets with a throbbing chunk of hyper-powered motorcycle between their thighs. Own one of these and all you're doing is giving feminists another reason to sneer at men's deficiencies while pouring your cash down the drain.
But this argument falls apart on one small point - it's based on logic and motorcycles that knock on the door of three times the national speed limit are anything but logical. Of course they're too much, of course we don't need the ability to hit 100mph in five seconds without venturing beyond second gear, but bloody hell is it nice to have the option.
After all, this is a free country and this pair the best expression of our freedom of choice. So exercise your right. Choose warp-speed travel, choose demolishing vast stretches of open road at three miles a minute, choose 70 miles to a tank and 1,500 miles to a back tyre, choose being the fastest thing on the road. Choose a ZX-12R and a Hayabusa.
They are the fastest motorcycles you can buy. No arguments, no ifs, buts, or maybes, they are the Daddies. Some may outhandle them, a few may come close to their acceleration, and just about anything you care to mention will go further on a single tank of fuel, but as far as brutal, unbridled and in-yer-face speed goes these two stand alone.
And it's not a revvy four cylinder racebike kind of speed on offer here. Oh no. Nor is it a relaxed big twin kind of speed. Nope, the speed these bikes smack you in the face with is the kind that distorts your grasp on reality, rearranges your internal organs and makes any other bike on the market feel sluggish and, well, a bit girly really.
The top speed crown's had a few holders over the years, but sat for five years with Kawasaki's 178mph ZZ-R1100. In all this time pretenders came and went, but none made a serious bid for the crown so despite the big Kawasaki slowly becoming more outdated its top speed trump card kept it in vogue.
Then Honda released the Blackbird. Another 1,100cc four like the Kawasaki, but now benefitting from fuel injection and super-slippery aerodynamics. All this saw the Honda bat through the timing lights 3mph faster than the ZZ-R. Hmmm, an improvement but not as earth-shattering as the 200mph hype headlines before the bike's release had suggested.
But Honda had started the top speed ball rolling once again and before we knew it Suzuki's Hayabusa was droopy-nosed reality. Ramming home the 'no substitute for cubes' theory with all the subtlety of Ron Jeremy's foreplay, the 1,299cc Busa spat out 154bhp and a shocking 94ft-lbs of torque which was enough to see it through the timing lights at a genuine 200mph on a good day.
Miffed at the loss of their crown, Kawasaki fought back with the ZX-12R. But after the bluster, techno-porn and marketing speak, the ZX never quite hit the jackpot falling tantalisingly shy of the big 200 time after time yet never quite striking it.
But all this top speed talk had repercussions as the outside world began to concern itself with 200mph motorcycles. Factually bankrupt journalists with careers to further and little knowledge of bikes sensationalised the dangers of such obvious law-breakers, and in a bid to quash further outcry or knee-jerk legislation the Japanese manufacturers entered into a gentlemens' agreement - from now on, no bike would go above 186mph, or 299kmh in funny money. The 1999 and 2000 Hayabusas would be the fastest production bikes the world had ever seen and that would be that.
None of this stopped Kawasaki from updating the ZX-12 for this year however and although it may not be any faster (186 em-pee-aitches is all you'll get no matter what you try) it's sure as hell better. Not ever having really got on with the big Kawasaki I chose it for the outward leg of our journey leaving Daryll looking smaller than ever atop the mighty Busa.
Slipping through South London the ZX felt stifled and uneasy prowling the crowded streets never topping 3,000rpm. But with 156bhp on tap town work on a bike like this will always be frustrating. At least we had some severe autoroute headbanging a few short hours away to ease our discomfort.
Mental anguish at wasted performance aside, the ZX is perfectly civilised at low speeds once you've got used to its size. It's in sportsbike proportions, just 10% bigger all over which was a relief for a tall git like me, but even stumpy Daryll never had a problem. It's long, it's wide and the seat's pretty tall, but this makes for a roomy perch and the only grief you'll suffer in town is a bit of wrist ache.
Onto the M20 and Daryll and I both want to get the throttles reet open, but no chance. This is Gatso-UK, CCTV central, Big Brother's new home and with both of us just hanging onto our licences a nervous ton was as much as we dared. And on these two a ton is just scratching the surface.
Gaining French soil and the relief for both of us is palpable. Take it easy (ish) in the first 100 miles around any major port, keep your eyes open for cars on the hard shoulder (may conceal speed traps) and get down to savouring French airspace where traffic is down, open roads are up and drivers pull out of your way in plenty of time - in fact, the few cars that do sit in the outside lane are all sporting UK plates...
Now the ZX is making sense. The suspension that before felt on the firm side of plush comes into its own above 120mph, the riding position is pure perfect for tucking into and out of the maddening airstream. Hell, you can still see stuff in the vast mirrors beyond 170. Head down behind the screen, life takes on an ethereal quality as we hurl ourselves to a ton-sixty cruise. The motor thrums away hypnotically beneath me, still a few grand shy of the redline in top, and the big red Kawasaki could not be more in its element.
Unsurprisingly, big speeds do not make frugal progress so it's no surprise to see the ZX's fuel light after 70 miles. The Busa's slightly better but not much... We stop, we laugh, we revel in the delight real speed brings, and we fill up, bikes plinking away contentedly in the watery morning light of what looks like being a banging French day.
Meanwhile, photographer Tennent aboard the Pan European camera bike, long since left in our wake breezes past in as good a real life example of the tortoise and hare story as you'll ever see. But then getting there fast isn't what these bikes are about - they're about going as fast as you bloody can and sod anything else. That's their buzz. You wanna go a long way quickly and smoothly? Buy a tourer. You want to turn your adrenal gland up to 11? Buy one of these.
Click to continue the Kawasaki ZX-12R vs Suzuki Hayabusa road test
