Another entry from Attila the Brundstrummer
It was only the other day, down at my local BNP rally, when some fool asked me what I made of the current government drugs policy. Well! Talk about red rag to a bull. The way I see it, see, is that we've only got two options. You either gas the drug using bastards or you make the bloody stuff legal, thereby freeing up some of my Bobbies' time and allowing to get on with proper community policing like issuing draconian speeding fines and battering the odd tramp or two, see.
But them bikers are still causing me more bother than the National press at the moment. Their horrible, angry howling sound has proper ruined my weekend's peace and quiet, see. And then there's those bikers. Or Organ Donors as we like to call them in the 'trade'. It always brings a sneer to my face that little phrase. They're causing a right-to-do in North Wales at the moment, smearing themselves all over the roads and dry stone walls and the pressure's on from above for me to do something about it. As if I wasn't busy enough already!
So, with this problem getting worse I've decided to launch my own little pilot scheme, here in North Wales, see. It's going to be called BIKE UNSAFE and will operate in tandem with a car driver's initiative called DON'T THINK. My reasoning is simple: make life as dangerous as possible for the bastards and they'll steer clear of North Wales and go and splatter themselves somewhere else, see. BIKE UNSAFE will actively teach bike riders to increase their chances of having a fatal or seriously injuring RTC - sorry, that's road traffic collision. Our experts will train them how to go into blind left handers on the left hand side of the road and accelerate hard the moment they're sure the bend tightens up unexpectedly. Speeding, obviously, will be encouraged as will the use of black visors in poor visibility and bald tyres in the rainy seasons, see.
But DON'T THINK is my favourite tool of all to rid our roads of these antisocial menaces. Our Welsh-speaking-only TV advertising campaign (CWMRU 4 - also on Sky Digital 984 and Virgin Media387) will spread the message to motorists to blatantly ignore motorcyclists and actively not look for them at junctions, see. We've even made up some jolly humorous road signs to place in accident blackspots. These signs will have iconography to capture the biker's attention with messages like 'Nail it you woofter' and my personal favourite 'Call that fast? You faggot'. These and the other signs are all designed to address a latent fear of homosexuality prevalent in today's biker. They should do the trick! Well, that's my time up I'm afraid dear reader. Evenin' all!
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