Location: Bournemouth & London, but mainly carriage D, South West trains commuter service Bournemouth to London 
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The Fire Brigade. Dial 999 and they'll be there in seconds , with sirens wailing and blue lights flashing. Each day they might tackle anything from a chip pan fire in an old folks' home to a raging inferno at a petrochemical refinery. No two shifts in the job are alike, but let's take a look behind the doors of a busy city centre Fire Station and see what happens during a typical day in the front line of the fight against man's deadliest enemy.
07:30 - Green Watch are clocking out after a quiet night on duty, but who knows what may lie in store for Blue Watch who are about to begin their 12-hour shift. Because fires can break out at any time, fire-fighters are no strangers to missed meals, so it is important that they eat whenever they get the chance. That's why the day starts with a good breakfast of sausages, bacon, beans, fried eggs, fried bread and black pudding.
08:00 - Breakfast is over, and tension is high as the men of Blue Watch retire to the day room to await the first call of the day. All seems quiet for now, but everyone knows that at any second they could be called away to rescue hundreds of people from a skyscraper which is being consumed by flames. The fire-fighters relax in many ways; reading books, listening to classical music, playing chess or watching hardcore pornographic videos.
10:38 - It's been a quiet shift so far, but everyone is only too aware that all that could change in the blink of an eye. With a second's notice the alarm bell could sound, sending Blue Watch off to put their lives on the line once more, perhaps battling a massive blaze at a gasworks. To ensure that they have the energy to cope with whatever the day may throw at them, they relax with tea and biscuits whilst watching "European Cum Bath Vol. 4".
11:15 - The alarm bell rings and it's action stations. Within seconds, the day room is a whirl of activity. The video is paused as the men of Blue Watch prepare to set out on their first job of the day. As they pull on their uniforms and leap aboard the shiny red tender, they have no idea what lies in store. It could be a simple domestic house fire, or it might turn out to be two fully-loaded jumbo jets that have collided mid-air over the town centre.
11:23 - After tearing through the streets with their siren wailing and their lights flashing, the fire-fighters arrive to see a tearful old lady whose cat is stuck up a tree. At this point their many hours of training come into play as they go into action like a well-oiled machine. Within seconds the cat is brought safely down and the grateful old lady serves up a well-earned tray of tea and biscuits. She will be sent an invoice for £850 later in the week.
11:58 - After the excitement of the morning, the men wind down with a few snacks whilst watching the rest of "European Cum Bath", followed by "Bukkake Babes" Volumes 6 & 7. It is important for them to be mentally and physically relaxed as at any moment they could find themselves back in the engine, speeding towards a plastics plant which is uncontrollably ablaze, belching out a massive plume of thick, black, toxic smoke.
12:32 - It is lunchtime, and once again the tender is back on the road, siren screaming. Hitting speeds of 60mph or more, it hurtles through the narrow streets, ignoring red lights and stop signs in a desperate bid to get it's precious cargo of fish and chips back to the station before they get cold. Keeping the brave firemen of Blue Watch well fed is vitally important as at any moment they could be called away to battle a forest fire threatening to engulf entire villages.
13:20 - Fire-fighters have to keep themselves in peak physical condition since they know that at any moment they could be clambering up a 200-foot ladder and carrying an unconscious, fully-grown man down to safety from a towering inferno. That's why, when they are not eating fried food or relaxing in front of "Cum Stained Casting Couch", the members of Blue Watch keep themselves in tip-top shape playing darts, cards or snooker
14:09 - The alarm rings for the second time that day and once again it's action stations. "Fuck Truck Vol. 14" is paused as the men of Blue Watch take to the tender. As in any emergency situation, time is of the essence, so it's not until they are on the road that they find out what lies in store for them of their destination. It could be a simple bonfire which has got out of control, or it may be a blaze in a furniture warehouse billowing clouds of deadly cyanide gas.
14:19 - Happily there's no need for the breathing apparatus on this occasion, as the emergency turns out to be a young woman who has got her toe stuck in the bath tap. It's a routine job of the sort that fire-fighters are called out to all the time. But the chief officer knows that things could go wrong, so he decides to call in Yellow and Red Watches from a neighbouring station. With all these fire-fighters on hand, the woman's rescue is assured.
15:03 - With thanks all round the men return to the station to finish watching "Fuck Truck Facials 3". Then it's time for bacon sandwiches all round while they take it easy watching "Cum On My Tiny Tits Vol. 4". It's been a hectic day, but no matter how tired the men of Blue watch feel, they have to remain alert. They know that at any time they could be called out to a fire on the seventh floor of a 25-storey block of flats with 200 people stuck on the roof.
18:30 - Firemen are an essential part of the community, and one of the men of Blue Watch takes an hour off his busy schedule to partake in a little community service. Fire-fighters regularly give talks about fire prevention to the public, or take their fire engine along to school fetes to press home their safety message. On this occasion he is demonstrating how a fireman takes off his uniform to a group of young women on a hen night.
19:24 - All hands are back at the station and everyone is taking a well earned breather watching "Anal Angels Vol. 2". There may only be a few minutes left of their shift, but like coiled springs, the men of Blue Watch remain constantly on the alert. At any time they could be called out to a motorway pile-up where a water tanker has collided with a lorry carrying enormous lumps of sodium, which has then been hit by a tanker carrying oxyacetylene.
19:30 - It's the end of the shift, and for the first time in 12 hours the men of Blue Watch can switch off, both mentally and physically. For one or two, it's straight home to catch up on some long overdue sleep, but for the majority it's straight back to work in the petrol station, driving a mini-cab or stacking shelves at the local supermarket. Meanwhile, for the men of Red Watch, the night begins with the first showing of "Two Cocks Up One Cunt".
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