The Ghost
You felt it come out, there's shit on the toilet paper, but there's fuck-all in the bowl!
Spotless
You felt it drop, you see it in the bowl, but there's fuck-all on the toilet paper.
The Wet One
The kind of shit where you wipe your crease 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to shove some toilet paper up against your starfish so you don't get a brown stain when you pull your shorts back up.
The Second Wave
You think you're done and just as you get your pants up to your crease there's a trickle
Scanners Memorial
The kinda shit where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
Corncob
A mystery of modern science. A dump that looks good enough to sink your teeth into...just add a nob of butter
The Instant Diet
The shit that gets you into the slimmer of the year lists...one dump and you're two stone lighter!
The Titanic
You've dropped a monster, and the only way to flush the fucker is to break it in the middle
Drinkers Delight
Enough lager to knock a horse down is followed by the shit the day after that crawls along the bottom of the bowl, leaving a trail when you flush.
The Reluctant One
The kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.
The Wide Berth
The kind where it hurts so much coming out, that you'd swear that it came out sideways.
The Birth
The shit that's so fucking big it leaves stretch marks.
The Fishermans Tale
The one you just have to tell the lads about in the pub. "It was this fucking big!."
The JFK
It takes two shots and ends up all over the back of the bowl
The Bidet
The kind of shit that hits the water so fast and hard that the splashback hits the starfish
Respray
The kind of shit where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your arse, splatters all over the inside of the bowlwith such force that it spatters back all over your cheeks
El Mariachi
The morning after the Mexican restaurant. The arse blows like there's no tomorrow and you're reaching for the burn-cream to rub all over the brown-eye
Pebbledash
The one where the yellow-brown textured shit is sprayed all over the pan to produce a discoloured but somewhat pleasing decorative effect
The Follow Through
You know you need to go but you're holding off...then you lift up your left leg to squeeze a sly fart out and the next thing you know you're sitting in fudge
Blitzkreig
Related to the follow through...you need to go but stop to sneeze...and the next thing you know you have whipped cream running down your leg
The Mustard Gas
The one where you know you should not be at work as you're sick...the smell permeates the air, gets in the aircon and invades the entire building
The Carnival
The one were you actualy shit the popcorn and peanuts and it all smells like candy floss!
The Slow-mo
The kinda long vehicle that takes all day to get around the corner and looks like reality has slowed right down
The Sanctuary Shit
That special time of the day you can just say "fuck it" and disappear to the nearest khazi with suitable reading material, just sit back, all chilled...and count those plops...mm-mmm!!!
Speed Demon
People who can walk to the bathroom, and in less than 30 seconds, can shit, wipe, and be gone!
The Prune
You 'hnnnngh' and 'fruuuurgh' until your stomach feels like it's coming out sideways and when it finally makes it the turdt is so dried up it feels like broken glass cutting it's way out
The Knee Trembler
You're in the middle of something way too important to drop for a dump...the knees develop a life of their own until you can take it no longer and as you desperately make your way to the can the knees give up and you can only squeal in agony as the first squirt hits your shorts and trickles down your crease
The Jalapeno
The kind of shit where you eat HOT jalapenos all day then scream the whole time in the bathroom because it feels like someone has a flamethrower up your ass and your shit comes out like red-orange mushy clay.
The Indecisive Friend
You feel like you have to shit but when you try the feeling goes away then as soon as your back doing what you where doing before it happens again
Pebbles
The kinda shit where you try for hours to squeeze it out and all that drops is one tiny little pebble
Bamm Bamm
The kinda shit where you pop into the cube for a quicky and bamm, bamm: your lungs fall through your arse
The Interrupter
You're halfway through the kinda shit that puts a smile on your gob...and the plumber finally turns up and you have to terminate the dump prematurely resulting in you walking around for the next ten minutes with the old starfish dribbling.
The Delayed Moment
This is where you feel like you have to shit but try as you might, not even a rabbits pebble will drop. Then you get in the car to go somewhere and as soon as you get down the road you're touching cloth.
The Niagra Faller
This is the type of person who was born with diarrhoea and still has it. They sit down and it shoots out like a dam the broke wide open. The worst part is when you have to go next and the toilet is submerged in fudge and there is no toilet paper left to use.
The Iceberg
You dump so much shit that one third of the fucker still sits out of the water
