Flying Armchairs: 2003 Cruiser test

Indeed. Relax into the luxurious world of the touring machine as Honda's seminal Wing hitches its skirts and hangs with some twin cylinder company

What it all boiled down to, I decided, was this - how does this bike make you feel? And, nearly as importantly - does it work?

Actually, that's two criteria you could apply to any motorcycle. But there's a certain competence demanded of touring tools and Honda's GoldWing, Harley's Electra Glide and BMW's R1200CL most certainly qualify in that category and deliver that competence, to varying degrees.

Me, ad-giant Giles and lensman Critchell racked up 1500 miles in the South of France in a limited space of time - blitz-touring, if you like. In short order we discovered the strengths and weaknesses of each bike and we felt 'em, too - good and proper.

In no particular order I'll start with the Harley-Davidson Ultra Classic Electra Glide, AKA the Hog, if you prefer. This particular bike is a 2003 100th anniversary celebration model, and festooned with little reminders - on the tank, engine covers and seat. Actually wherever you look on the Hog you are reminded that you're in the presence of a product of H-D, Milwaukee. Which is partly what you're paying for, right?

The BMW R1200CL - who said Über Glide? Who was it? - is based on the wacky-looking R1200C cruiser and is, as you'd expect from the Chermans, an efficient Teutonic take on the 'chilled' touring/posing vibe. Whether it works or not depends on your point of view - but BMW think some of their (or their competitors') customers fancy something like this out of the Munich stable, so here it is.

The Honda GoldWing. It is unique and readily condemned by the majority of bikers who write it off as an armchair on wheels. Well, they're wrong. The Goldwing's an excellent motorcycle in its own right - its rebirth as a brand new model two years ago saw to that - and perhaps its only problem is the 'Caravan Club' image that goes with it. No matter - only people who haven't ridden one dare take the piss and that's a fact.

The Hog's comfy. Actually they're all comfy but the Harley especially so. You settle into that soft leather seat, which so nicely cups your buttocks and it's hard not to give an audible sigh of contentment as you snuggle in. It feels low, and is so well balanced and neutral at walking pace that its size just evaporates. The simple V-twin engine, underneath all that metal and chrome, is a refined chugger. It's got a liquid, almost magnetic feel to it. Where the Beemer flatly punts like a ditch pump, and the Wing whirrs and roars like a rheostatic turbine, the Hog effortlessly slips its power out to the rear wheel. It obviously needs written notification of a hurried gear change but settle into using your heel to clank through the cogs and it feels fine.

Relaxed is the word which best describes it, but ironically the Hog's no sloth, easily outpacing the asthmatic BMW over 95mph. Which, to be honest, you should only ever find yourself doing if you're very late for, say, a ferry as travelling at any real speed on the Harley is a little undignified. Below 65mph the Hog's a beautiful ride, above and the handling gets a little, um, interesting.

They call it the Electra Glide because it does just that, glide. The front forks are super compliant, and set up to iron out every bump which they do well. They also bless the Hog with a full hinge-at-the-headstock and combined with the broad-shouldered fairing that's clamped onto the forks will induce a good old-fashioned weave at anything over 80mph. A cats eye, raised white line or gust of side wind will set it off but it never gets out of hand. And it has no ground clearance whatsoever - do not lean this bike over, you'll wreck the footboards.

2003 Honda Goldwing, BMW R1200CL & Harley Davidson Ultra Classic Electra Glide

There is a distinct waft of '50s kitsch about the Harley, which I think is a good thing. It feels like a real motorcycle, not a flimsy façade of somebody else's idea of what real is, and makes you feel good with it. It's an old-fashioned, old school piece of ironware. Ours had a single slot for a CD and a rake of buttons and knobs to control it.

The cruise control's not so bright. It signs off at 80mph, when 85mph is a good speed to cover ground and conserve fuel. But I'm getting away from the Hog's gig - sub-65mph cruising only.

Now the BMW - and don't ask me why this is - caused the most stir whenever we parked it up. I think it struck a chord with the village old boys (with which southern France is mostly populated), probably something to do with that flat twin engine. In fact the last time they saw something like the R1200CL it was probably advancing swiftly westwards fronting a half-track. Still, obvious jokes aside the BMW is certainly different. Good or bad different? Both.

After a day on the Harley the BMW, in direct comparison, felt like a wheelbarrow. I think it's those monstrous handlebars - they are definitely Homebase 'General Garden' bend, and at low speed the BMW feels just like a perilously over-laden 'barrer. So you have to give it the same elbows-up body language and pivot it around the front wheel. But you get used to it, and around about the same time you discover the disappointment of its engine you discover that the thing handles.

And this is what I love about the Germans. They build a 'cruising' motorcycle, bless it with a torquey - off the bottom only - motor that won't pull the cock off a chocolate mouse above 3,500rpm (about 80mph in top) but then makes the thing scuttle around corners almost half well. And this makes me laugh even more; the Yanks know the Harley doesn't go round corners and that its owner won't care - but BMW know their bike does, and its owner might so while fitting some token running boards for style (only the Wing has footpegs) they bolt on dinky little sliders, to save 'em from damage.

Like the Harley the Beemer's a comfy bike, but a firm comfy rather than a voluptuous comfy. The cutaway screen is great for visibility, but the least efficient of the three; I got the most buffeting on the BMW.

But where the Harley's motor feels lazily relaxed, the BMW's feels like a slug. It's got a heel 'n' toe shifter just like the Harley, but (ironically) because the BMW's gearbox is actually alright feels much better if you use your toe, in the usual way, for upshifts.

But for all the R1200CL's weirdness it's got some great touches - all three of its cases were spacious, easy to use and you were always sure that when they were shut, they'd stay shut (unlike the Hog's skinny sidecases, which used some deranged hinge and socket closure). And the indicators/mirrors are great handguards, while BMW's heated grips are, of course, as ever welcome though some storage area around the fairing would be useful.

But the brakes. Servo-assisted, they cry like trapped Minky whales whenever applied (which you only hear at standstill or low speed, to be fair). The front works well, the back is just the fiercest I've ever used - though with the ABS earning its living you can stamp hard on the rear pedal and stop like you've just snagged an aircraft carrier arrestor hook.

Which leaves, it would seem, the Honda GoldWing. Actually, the reverse is true; 1,832ccs of flat-six cylinder motive force will leave both Hog and Beemer as spots in its mirrors, but that's not a surprise, is it? Nah. The Wing's an experience, even after the other two. It's big - huge - compared to the twins but then it would be. It's got so much going on; bells, whistles, knobs, gauges, dials, buttons and so much engine that it does feel, initially, a bit ungainly. But after 30 seconds in the flat, wide seat, and one twist of the magic handle you've forgotten all about other motorcycles. You have entered the land of the Wing, which is a very different place to be.

For long distance riding some sort of back rest is a must, otherwise you get 'Wingstoop', where your back curves and your shoulders hunch with the effort of keeping your body upright. But the Wing is such a visual and aural treat to ride; for a start, the engine sounds like no other, with an addictive roar that is very Porsche 911-like. And while the twins are clanking uselessly below 2,000rpm in top, the Goldwing will pull its fifth (overdrive) top gear from below 1,000rpm without even a shudder of protest, boiling through to its 6,500rpm redline in one monstrous lunge. Gears? I used second, fourth and fifth, and second only for getting rolling.

Then you've got the option of the six-stack CD player and easy-to-manage controls; the sound system is good enough to work well at 100mph. And (for its size) the Goldwing can hustle the curves. There's something of a clipper at full sail about the Wing when you ride it hard. More so if you slot in some Guns 'n' Roses. But ride it slow and it's just as much fun - maybe more so. Because then, you get what might be the best seat in the house to watch the ever-changing landscape roll by. Plug in a little Segovia, maybe, and watch the world roll out ahead of you.

It's not perfect, though. The screen definitely needs a windscreen wiper, or something to aid visibility at night and/or in the wet. The total carrying capacity is not that great, as the side boxes aren't that spacious. But it has electric reverse - and needs it - and this 'un also had heated grips. Perfect.

The Harley and BMW had both made me feel certain things, but I didn't really get either of them in a big way. The Harley at least is nice to look at and is a gentle old thing. The BMW I warmed to, because I could ride it harder than I thought would be possible...

But the Goldwing. The Goldwing moved me. As a two-wheeled touring device it works. But more importantly it made me feel great, and every minute spent in its saddle was a special minute. I reckon if you're going to do a lot of miles on a motorcycle, you might as well enjoy every one. And I never had a single duff mile on that Goldwing, not one.