The A Team's Guide to Bike Modification

Most people will tell you that the A team are a fictional vigilante group from a cult 80s TV show. They are lying. They want you to believe this so that while you stay ignorant and weak, they learn the ancient ways of the A teamurai and grow strong.

I have been lucky enough to learn the ways of the A team. They found me as a wild young boy, chewing on an antelope carcass... and got me out of London Zoo before the guards could get to me. Over the next few years they taught me their incredible ways. It was hard going but i pulled through and now i wish to share this fountain of knowledge with my fellow bikers.

This is how the A Team would modify your bike:

Tyres:

Need more grip? Smear a layer of industrial strength glue (or UHU will do if you haven't got industrial) and then put double-sided tape all over your tyres. Then Split open a bunch of empty fairy liquid bottles and stick them to the tape. This will increase the area that comes in contact with the road thereby giving more grip, using the unparalleled power of the empty fairy liquid bottle.

Wheels:

Want lighter wheels? The whole reason hannibal smoked cigars all day was that he was on carbon collecting duty. Smoke 5000 cigars and then use a bog standard workshop vice to compact and shape the ash you've collected into state of the art carbon race wheels. This can be quite fiddly so you may want to try it a few times. Don't forget to set aside time for smoking.

Suspension:

Replace with empty fairy liquid bottles.

Handling:

Can't quite get your knee down? Then piss off, you ain't fit for no A team Foo' !!

Speed:

Want to go faster? Very few people know this, but bacon frazzles are actually a form of super fuel. Fill your tank with them then put a shed load of petrol in your exhaust. The petrol will ignite when the engine starts, sending flame out of your exhaust while also heating the bacon frazzles, thus making it a rocket powered, frazzle fuelled bike.

Beware of storing too many frazzles near the bike, they attract stoners. And i don't mean "who said jehovah?"

Brakes:

Need to slow down? Then piss off, you ain't fit for no A team Foo' !!

Testing the bike:

Tyres:

Try to do a 'loop the loop' at 10mph. In case of death, use more fairy liquid bottles and less glue and tape.

Wheels:

Get someone you don't like to hold the carbon wheels at shoulder height while pointing a gun at them. Threaten to shoot them if they drop below shoulder height in the next two hours. Shoot them anyway (you don't like them...), the f-ing wheels work fine..

Suspension:

Get Oprah Winfrey to just look at your bike. Don't let her ride it, nothing can take that.

Handling:

What's the worst thing about not getting your knee down? Having to tell your parents that you're gay.

Speed:

The speed achieved by the frazzle rocket bike should enable you to drive through steel reinforced concrete unscathed. If you can't do this then you're a pussy.

Brakes:

What's the worst thing about wanting to slow down? Having to tell your parents that you're gay and you have 'felching fridays' with your partner dominic.

Now go and spread the knowledge young grasshoppers.